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The Trouble With Being Twist
by E.LD #1Groupie4vA
Twist knew he was finally in the right building after four tries when he spotted the ridiculously scripted monogrammed cat flap on the door.
MKKK
Miss Kitty Kitty Kitty
It was pink with golden metal embossed script.
Twist exhibited his disdain by making a slurred hissing sound of disgust while tipping back his warm bottle of bright green apple vodka martini mixer. He had meant to grab the 50 year old whiskey during his expulsion of the party but hadn't noticed his mistake until he was half way home?
It was repulsive but it was flammable and sometimes that was all that mattered!
He turned the door knob.
Locked of course.
He fumbled around in this pockets and not only found no keys, he found no wallet to speak of and a massage parlour card with some bird named Vanessa's number on the back of it. Making sure that went safely back into his pocket he tried thumping on the door for a while until he remembered everyone was gone for the weekend.
Suddenly just as he was about to toss a rock through one of the windows Miss Kitty Kitty Kitty sashayed between his ankles, performing one lingering orbit while she rubbed a cheek on the metal toe of his cowboy boot and then disappeared through the cat flap without a backward meow.
"Now tha," Twist slurred. "Is a good idea Miss Katty Katty."
Twist dropped down on his knees and studied the opening. It was fairly large for a cat but then the cat was on a 'whatever JJ tossed into its bowl' diet. He flipped up the door and peered into the dark flat. Having the presence of mind to screw the cap onto his bright green alcoholic syrup he pushed that in first.
"I'll be ight there!" He told no one.
Twist's head of course fit through the flap no problem but he had to back out a few times before he realised he had to push his arms through first to accommodate his shoulders. Having done that he smiled self assuredly to himself imagining the comforts of his bed.
After a great deal of struggle Twist had managed to slither almost half way through and his success imminent! It was then that his hips and over sized belt buckle met the door frame.
He pushed with both hands against the door.
He tried going out backwards the way he came.
He stopped and lay were he was, the raised edge of bottom of the opening digging painfully into his stomach, his cheek against the cold floor.
Twist was stuck.
The cat took a seat in front of him and let out a meow.
"Awm sorry," Twist said to it, "Am I in your bloody way?"
Then with a deep sigh he reached for the bottle of martini mixer but his hand knocked it over and it rolled just out of his reach.
"Bollocks." He murmured to really no one at all.
Twist slept for while until the chill woke him up. It took him a moment to remember what exactly had just happened to him and he burst into an angry stream of curses while he flailed about for freedom.
A considerable time later he lay panting in an exhausted traumatised mess.
He was about to swallow what pride he had left and start screaming like a little girl in hopes that the next doors were home and could summon the fire brigade.
But just then his worst fears came true.
His band mates came home.
"Well, look what the cat tried to drag in." He hear LL say with he was sure, a great big smile on his face.
He heard JJ. "Hello Twist!"
Someone was poking at his bum with the toe of their shoe. "I told you lot when we put this thing in that ANYTHING would be able to get into the house." LJ sighed.
"Help!" Twist gasped, the cat flap constriction interfering with his ability to draw in air. "I've been here all bloody night! elp! Oh god elpppp!"
Twist heard JJ gasp. "Twist you are so mean! Kitty hasn't been out all night?"
LJ was squatting down and inspecting the problem at hand. "I think I'm going to need a screw driver and maybe some oil." He patted Twist's bum reassuringly.
"Isn't that door for the plus sized, ample waisted cat, extra large-" LL went on.
"Shut up!" JJ whacked LL with his Nemo back pack. "Don't call Kitty fat, she's sensitive!"
"Eh guys," Twist swallowed, hoping against hope, "JL isn't with you is he-"
The lock turned.
"Hey! OUGh!!"
Twist's head went to the wall as JL pushed it open, walked into the flat and swung it closed behind him. Hands pressed over his forehead, Twist opened his eyes just in time to see JL's back as he went upstairs.
It was just then he felt hand on his legs. "Don't worry Twist!" It was JJ. "The guys went back to the car to get the tool box but I'll get you out faster like this!"
Twist, somewhere in the back of his mind, was in fact, worried.
JJ tried with several half hearted attempts and then suddenly really put all his strength into it.
"OW!" JJ complained after most likely flying backwards and hitting the opposite wall. "You are really wedged right in there- Oh...oops?"
Twist had his chin in his hand and was tapping his fingertips on the floor with the other. JJ had not done much to free Twist from the cat flap but had instead yanked his trousers down to his ankles.
Twist had gone out of course wearing no pants the night before.
"Well, my today just gets better and better doesn't it?" LL said.
"Let's wait for the post to come!" LJ exclaimed.
Twist sighed.
the end
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